


that which we lack attracts us

by grantaireslonelysoul



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: High School AU, M/M, idk man i just needed e/r prose in my life, they will eventually get together, this could end up being very long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 7,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grantaireslonelysoul/pseuds/grantaireslonelysoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trigger warnings for swears and child abuse right now, I'll put more up if needed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Grantaire and Enjolras take a poetry prose class their senior year of high school, their teacher gets to know them bit by bit-and they get to know each other pretty well, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why did you decide to take this class?

My initial answer

stolen by Marius

who raises his hand-

what a teacher’s pet.

_Isn’t this a required class?_

Kids around the room nod

and the teacher smiles.

_No._

_You get to choose your English class._

_Why did you choose Prose II?_

Hands raise

but she smiles and puts a finger to her lips.

_Write it,_ she says.

 

So I look around at all my friends.

I know what they’re writing.

Bahorel- _because War Lit was full._

Joly, Feuilly, Combeferre- _it looks good on transcripts._

Bossuet, Courfeyrac- _because my friends are taking it._

Jehan is writing pages on wanting to be a poet.

He isn’t supposed to be in this class.

He is only a sophomore, after all.

But his placement test put him here

so here he is.

 

I do not know what Enjolras is writing

and I tell myself I do not care.

This is a lie, of course

but so is everything.

 

I have no answer to this question

nothing from me.

I liked Prose I

when we were just reading

but I do not know how to write it.

This starting assignment

is probably already wrong

shitty line breaks

horrible word choice

a piece that isn’t going anywhere.

 

But I still need an answer

or I will get an F

so I took this class

to maybe

conceivably

hopefully

find something

I am good at.

 

 

_Grantaire-this piece is very good! I cannot wait to see your later work in this class!_

 ~

 

I took this class because there are no rules in prose. I took this class because for once this will be a course that doesn’t teach me what to think. I took this class because it had a teacher who didn’t know me and the things I do. I took this class to end my senior year well. 

_Enjolras-you gave very nice reasons for taking this course, but this is not a form of prose as we have studied it. Kindly write the assignment again. You can turn it in with the most recent assignment I have given you._

I

took

this

class

to

be

free

but

it

looks

like

I

can’t

do

that,

c

a

n

i

?


	2. Write about your happiest memory

On the first day

of kindergarten

a boy and a girl

get out of a big

black

pickup truck.

 

They walk to their classroom

hand in hand.

When they get there

a man smiles

the biggest smile they have ever seen.

_Hey,_

_I’m going to be your teacher!_

_Are you guys twins?_

They nod

and run into the room.

where there are more kids than they have ever seen

and more things to do

and nobody is screaming at them

and nobody calls them worthless

and nobody makes them cry.

They are not scared today.

The boy likes to draw

and the girl does puzzles

and it is a perfect day.

 

But

at 15:00

the school bell rings

and the boy and the girl

get into a big

black

pickup truck

and it is only the afternoon

and it is still light outside

and the other children are still playing

but they both know

their perfect day

is over.

_Grantaire-what a fantastic piece! I hope your school career continues to be a success!_

My

happiest memory

is

yet to come

The

day

I change the world

make

it right

Free the people

Let

them decide.

ButfornowI’mstuckinyetanotherconformityclasssoIguessI’lljusthavetowait _  
_

_Enjolras-I am sorry to hear you are so angry, and even sorrier for the grade I had to give you as a result of your pieces. If you truly do not understand how prose works, ask some of your friends! I am sure they would be happy to assist you._

 


	3. Write about your worst memory

Eight years ago

a girl and a boy sit down

in front of their parents.

_We’re getting a divorce_

the father says.

The girl and boy are excited

but know better than to show it

so they sit still.

Soon, they know

they will live with just their mother

and nobody will yell

and nobody will hit

and nobody will cry.

_Where will we live?_

the boy asks his mother.

 _Will we stay here?  
_ He never has learned to keep his mouth shut

and now he will pay the price.

_You will live with me_

the father says, smiling

but it is not

a nice smile.

_Your mother and I talked it over_

_and I will get custody._

_We are moving to Paris._

and the boy and the girl break

because they know what this means

no soft voices against the loud ones

no _shh, shh, don’t cry_

no _let me kiss it better_

no presents on Christmas

no hugs

no one to be proud of them

no one to tell them nice things

no love anymore.

 

_I’m sorry I couldn’t finish this, Madame Courier._

_-R_

_Grantaire-it's quite alright. Some pieces are very difficult for us as writers to put into words. Talk to me if you need anything, and as always, wonderful job._

No.

I will not write about that memory

Not about that night.

Do not say there are no rules

if you do not mean it.

Combeferre says compared to other classes

we are free

but I am not looking for comparison.

I want more.

 

_Enjolras-you have the ideas of a wonderful prosewriter, I wish you'd put those talents to work. Please submit another poem-it doesn't even have to be about this topic._


	4. Write about a recent moment

Three days ago

a

beautiful

blond

boy

looked at me.

Me.

 

He was frowning

but why should I care?

a

beautiful

blond

boy

frowned at me.

Me.

 

He said

_You need to be serious._

_Sober up._

and I got mad.

He hates me.

That I know.

He thinks I am

lazy

stupid

worthless

and he is right.

 

But I’m mad

because I am his.

I am his

and yet somehow

I am my own.

 

What he does not know,

what that

beautiful

blond

boy

still has yet to learn

is how wrong he is.

 

Funny

how often I try to tell him that

but how I never say

how he is

very

very

right.

 

_Grantaire-this interests me, but doesn’t seem to have one main focus. Better luck next time._

 

Combeferre’s father

is strict.

straight as a ruler

Nothing gets by him.

 

Courfeyrac’s father

is tired.

He has had some sadness.

but he can still smile.

 

Joly’s father

is kind.

He always has something nice to say

no matter what.

 

Bahorel’s father

is wild.

He has tattoos and long hair

and loves his kids.

 

Prouvaire’s father

is loud.

He needs to know everything

all the time.

 

Feuilly’s father

is dead.

But Feuilly knows about him.

He liked to play games.

 

Bossuet’s father

is quiet.

He lets others take the stage

and likes to watch.

 

Grantaire’s father

is drunk.

He sits at home all day

and doesn’t do anything.

 

My father

is in Japan

or maybe Russia

this week.

He is never home

and when he is

he is at work

or working at home

and cannot be bothered.

I don’t know what he’s like.

I don’t know anything about him

except that he is busy

and that is not anything

at all.

 

 

 

I wrote because I wanted to not for you look how much I don’t

care

about line breaks your rules don’t matter yes I count this as my

second

piece.

 

 

_Enjolras-you are extremely talented. Why not put it to use?_


	5. Write about your best friend

She is an attack dog

that loves to be petted

the crocodile

with a happy grin.

She is the bustle of a city

with small-town dreams.

 

She’ll grin and laugh

but cry for days.

She hates it all

but loves  
so

damn

much.

 

She is a tornado

if she hates you

the rainbow after

if not

 

She calls herself fucked-up

but won’t let anyone else.

 

Loves her little brother

but hates her parents

Loves a boy

but hates his actions

and she’ll say so.

 

She is more free than I could ever hope to be

but caged inside herself.

 

She is loyal as anything

no matter what

but

never

never

cross her.

She is a snake

disguised as ribbon

and ribbon

disguised as a snake.

 

She is

a vigilante

for any cause

and will make tons of enemies.

But she tosses her hair

and everyone knows

she couldn’t care less

what you think

 

I am the only one

who’s seen her cry

who’s there to hold her.

She trusts me that much

more than anyone

I wish I could be like her

but I’m glad that I’m not

because she’s fragile

my Eponine.

She breaks easy

and falls hard

and loves too much

and doesn’t care.

 

_Grantaire-wonderful! I now feel like I know your friend!_

Respectful.

Quiet.

Organized.

Intelligent.

says every teacher on his report card.

but I see

Clever

Funny

Calm

Caring.

I see

Talented

Passionate

Diplomatic

Loyal.

I see

sweater vests and moths

bad puns and pamphlets

hazel eyes shining

behind

glasses I can’t forget.

I see

a hand on my shoulder

old beat-up loafers.

a warm smile

tidy brown hair.

I see

happy sighs

and a grandfather voice

four new books

and an old violin

I see

Combeferre.

 

_Enjolras-you can really write when you want to. Have you considered writing why you don’t want to? Try that for me._

No.

 

 


	6. Write about a profound moment

Sophomore year

I stayed after school

late.

It wasn’t because of any activities

or anything.

I’m not in stuff like that.

Mainly I just

didn’t

want

to go home.

 

But he was alone in

the auditorium

practicing a speech.

There was

a single spotlight

on him

and he had

just finished

a phrase.

 

He was breathing

hard,

a smile on his face

like he knew

I believed in him,

like

everyone did.

 

The spotlight

gave his golden hair

a halo.

Angel

my angel.

 

That was the moment

I _really_ loved him

the moment

I finally saw him

as he was meant to be seen.

You may say

this is a crush

a stupid moment

but let me tell you

it was the most

fucking

profound

moment

of my life.

 

_Interesting, Grantaire._

 

 

My first word

was ‘red’

or so I’ve been told.

I don’t remember

but my mother does.

That must have been a day

she was sober.

But she says I was building with blocks

and I said “Red!”

 

My sister Claire’s first word

was ‘ball’

my mother says.

I don’t remember that either,

being only two.

But we all know the story:

that my toy rolled by

and she said “Ball!”

 

My sister Charisse’s first word

was ‘more’.

That one I remember

because I was six.

She was eating toast

and finished it

banged her fists

and said “More!”

My brother Mikel’s first word

was ‘Xandre’.

Short for Alexandre, of course.

his big brother,

me.

I was eight years old

and changing his diaper

and he grinned

and said “Xandre!”

 

The story goes

that my youngest sister

Emilie’s

first word

was ‘play’

that she was sitting on the floor

and shouted “Play!”

when Charisse ran by.

 

Only I

know the truth.

 

Emilie’s first word

was ‘papa’.

I was twelve years old

and putting her to bed.

She looked up at me

and said “Papa!”

and my heart broke

and I shook my head

and said _No._

_No, Emilie._

_I am not your papa._

_I may act like it_

_but I am your brother._

_Not your papa._

_Never your papa._

_Enjolras-fantastic! Very powerful!_


	7. Write about a wish you have

 

I know

what I should say

I wish for world  peace

a cure for cancer

no sadness

or destruction

or injustice.

Those are the right answers.

I know all of my friends have those wishes.

And so do I

I guess.

 

But if I only get one,

one wish,

if that is my limit,

I’d like

 

I’d like

to feel his arms around me.

Strong

and tight.

 

I’d like

to kiss him until I can’t breathe

catch my breath

and do it again.

 

I’d like

my name on his lips

_Grantaire_

like he needs me, too.

 

Not

That I deserve that.

But don’t

I

 

_Grantaire-your poetry is one of the best in the class. This gives me an idea…_

 

Jehan

raised his hand

for this assignment.

_Can we get more wishes?_

The teacher smiled.

_No. Just one._

Bahorel calls out

_Even if we wish for them?_

The answer is the same

and I hear erasers.

 

I

only need one.

I want

France to change

to be the country

it has potential

to be.

To rid the people

of the government

and just start over.

I want

to live in a place

where everyone

is free.

 

But that’s not all.

I

want to be the one who does it.

I

want to be

the hero

the savior

the idol.

 

_Enjolras-great, as usual._


	8. Chapter 8

I am

rarely

 

I never care

 

But today

the teacher said

we had a new project:

_Document the differences_

_between yourself_

_and others_

_for one month._

_This will be a group project._

_You will each get a partner_

_matching your skill level._

I was

surprised

when I was the

best

in the class.

But I was

more

surprised

when she said

who was

right

behind me.

 

 

 

This

will not be a hard project.

I can think of a million

differences

between me and Grantaire.

 

Day one

starts tomorrow.

Bring it on.


	9. Chapter 9

Today

he and I sit together

and I try to breathe.

_Let’s mark the ways we’re different_

he says, and I could go on for days.

_You are beautiful, I am nothing._

_You are passionate, I don’t care._

_People care about you, I could die tomorrow._

That is not what I say.

_You’re a few inches taller_

is what

the best writer in class

comes up with.

 

He glares at me

and inside

I say the words with him.

_Get serious, R._

_Sober up._

_Give me a reason to_

I say back, and he sighs.

_Could you try to be a person?_

_Once?_

My response

is to lift my left eyebrow

and smirk.

_Is anyone really a person?_

_People are choices._

_That’s all._

_You don’t like my choices._

_You don’t understand them._

_Do you understand mine?_

he asks

_I wish I couldn’t_

is what I say back.

_You’ll only be disappointed._

_We all are, in the end._

_You are a cynic._

he said

and I nod

_And you are an idealist._

_Do you know what a cynic is?_

He raises his eyebrows

and I answer

_A cynic is a disappointed idealist._

_You’ll be like me._

_Just wait._

Just wait.

 

 

 

Day Two

 

Grantaire is snarky

and difficult

to work with.

 

He claims

he knows more

than me

about life.

like I am a dumb boy.

 

Maybe when you’ve seen

your mom

passed out,

drunk,

when you’ve called an ambulance

at nine years old

and shouted instructions

at your siblings

too little to see,

you’ll understand.

 

Maybe when your dad

forgets your name

more than once

and mixes up your sisters

who come to you crying

and you hold them

you’ll understand.

 

Maybe when

your brother gets suspended

because he punched a kid

and it’s you

who signs the form

because let’s be real

who else will?

and you sign for _parent or guardian_

and you realize

that’s what you are

you’ll understand.

 

Maybe when

you know

how to bathe a baby

get up at four every night to feed her

have cleaned up vomit

more times than you can remember

all before age thirteen

you’ll understand.

 

Until then

do not dare tell me

I don’t know about life

because I’ve seen awful things

and I believe

it can get better.


	10. Chapter 10

Enjolras is mad at me

I saw him writing a piece

about what he’s been through.

 

He’s right, of course.

I am wrong.

I am nothing

He is the whole world.

 

He is not a crush

nothing like a crush.

This isn’t what Jehan feels for Courf.

or Eponine for Marius.

This isn’t like Joly and Bossuet

or god forbid

Marius for Cosette.

 

He is obsessed with her

but he does not know him.

He told me yesterday.

I said I was in love, too, and he nodded.

_Does she know who you are?_

I didn’t bother to correct him.

Instead, I just said

Day Four:

  
Grantaire is not here today.

I will admit I am relieved

Or, rather

I was.

 

Eponine came to our table at lunch

tight-lipped and scowling.

She doesn’t talk to us much-

she has study hall then anyway

and should be in class.

But she isn’t, normally.

I’m not sure where she is instead

but she sometimes comes to the table

says, _I need to talk_

and Grantaire gets up right away.

Then they disappear.

 

Today, however,

she comes to the table

and Bahorel says

_He’s not here._

She tosses her hair.

_I know._

_I need to talk with Jehan._

The table crows

_Ooo! Je-han! Get some!_

even though he’s gay.

Jehan gets up

and follows her out

and they disappear.

 

A few minutes later

I go to the bathroom

and I spot them on my way.

I shouldn’t listen

but I do.

 _Did he talk to you at all last night?_ Eponine asks

  1. Jehan says



He sounds worried.

_And he usually does_

_Do you think-?_

_Wouldn’t it make sense?_ she fires back.

_He’d text if he was sick._

_His dad’s keeping him home again._

Jehan still doesn’t understand

_Why?_

 

She sighs.

_So_

_we_

_don’t_

_see_

_the_

_bruises_

_he_

_gave_

And with every word

I

cannot

breathe


	11. Chapter 11

 

 _What are you doing at my house_ is the first thing I say.

I didn’t think Enjolras even knew where I lived.

 _Hi_ is what he says

_I need to talk to you._

_Fucking just text me next time,_ I say, and he is studying me

_What is it?_

_Eponine was right_ he says quietly.

_Wasn’t she?_

_About why you were home from school._

_Your dad made you._

_To hide the bruises._

_From when he-_

and then I can’t help it.

I shove him.

 _Fuck off,_ I say.

_Don’t ever talk to me again_

_about anything._

He

does

not

 

 _He shouldn’t hit you,_ he says, eyes  serious.

_You deserve more._

_Can I help you?_

_FUCK OFF!_

and

he

 

and

I

 

 

Day Six:

 

Grantaire

does not talk to me

 

When I say something

he says _Fuck off_

just as angry as yesterday.

 

He’s still bruised today

but it’s faded.

You wouldn’t be able to tell

unless you knew.

_I’m sorry_

I say

as he passes me

on the way to his seat.

He does not look at me.

When we partner up

he says

_I think you should do this alone._

It’s a project about differences

but I may have found

one similarity.

 

He will not take anyone’s help.

And neither

will

I


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in a thousand years and I am so sorry. I was in a show, and then I lost my flash drive, and life got crazy. But hopefully, updates will start being more frequent.

Day Seven:

 

There are worse ways

to spend seventh period.

 

I could be in class.

Instead, I’m here

sitting in an uncomfortable chair

in the principal’s office.

waiting for Enjolras to get out

and for it to be my turn

to tell my side of the story.

 

I can’t think of a way to avoid trouble

After all, I did punch him

in the face

in the middle of the cafeteria.

 

I didn’t mean to

but we were next to each other in the lunch line

I was trying to ignore him

but he said

_Aren’t you going to even talk to me?_

and I said

_No._

He wouldn’t take that as an answer.

He said

_I’m not going to tell anyone_

_But I think you need help_

_You don’t know a thing about me_

I said

angry quiet.

 

I could tell he was going to argue

but he didn’t

he couldn’t.

Too taken by surprise, I guess

when he said

_Oh my god, what’s in your arm?_

_It looks like broken glass!_

_Did he do that?_

and I don’t know what I’m doing

as I swing my fist back

and hit him

but as I see him hurt

I realize

exactly

who I have become.

 

 

Day Eight

 

I don’t know

why I did it.

 

I guess

it was because

of the look

on his face

afterward.

Horrified.

 

There’s no other word.

 

He was horrified

and I knew

I had to help him.

 

So I told the principal

it was my fault.

I told her that I hit him first

and threatened to do worse.

I tell her all this

and pray she doesn’t need witnesses.

I know school policy.

If she believes me

he gets in-school suspension

(He’s never been in a fight before).

I will get two days suspension

(This is not my first offense).

 

Maybe she knows something

and maybe she doesn’t

but she buys my story

and calls him in

to tell him his punishment.

 

I do not look at him

but he spends the whole time

staring at me.


	13. Chapter 13

Day Nine

 

Why did he do that?

I am not

his friend.

 

I

hit

him.

_I_

hit

him.

 

I

_hit_

him.

 

I

hit

_him._

 

_I_

_hit_

_him!_

 

and he saved my ass anyway.

 

Perhaps

he

doesn’t

hate

me?

 

No.

  
  
  
  


Day Ten

 

All my friends text me-

_Why aren’t you at school?_

_What really happened?_

_R seems sick!_

 

I leave them unanswered.

I don’t want to talk.

I just want to think.

 

Why did I do that?

My head says _to save him._

but that’s not enough.

 

Why did I save him?

He hates me

and truth be told

I’m not that fond of him.

 

His obnoxious comments

His ‘who cares’ attitude

His angry voice

His drinking

and drinking

and drinking.

 

Doesn’t he know what he’s doing to himself?

He’ll end up alone

passed out on a couch

bottles around him

and everyone who cares about him

upset.

 

That cannot happen.

I will not let it happen.

Not to anyone.

Not to him.

  
  
  
  


I was done writing for the day

but as I was studying

a pebble hit my window.

Courf does this a lot

so I open it up.

 

A rock flies through

nearly killing me

but it lands in my hamper.

Someone has written on it

a messy scrawl-

_Thanks_

I crumble up my homework

and send down a paper airplane

one word on it-

_ Sorry. _


	14. Chapter 14

Day Eleven

 

He’s back today.

Not saying much.

When I look at him

he looks back.

 

 _Hey,_ I say in English.

My voice shakes

but he pretends not to notice.

 

 _Hey,_ he says back-

quietly, for once.

_Look_

_I feel really bad._

_I overstepped my boundaries._

_But I do think you need help._

 

 _Help?_ I say,

I’m not angry,

just tired.

_Of course I need help._

_I mean, does it look like I’m coping well?_

_This isn’t easy, Enjolras._

 

_I know_

he says

_So what are you going to do?_

 

I don’t know the answer

and clearly

he can tell.

 

_Look,_

he says again

_Maybe I can help._

_You don’t want to talk about it here._

_and that’s okay._

_But will you come over to my house?_

_After school on Thursday?_

 

I don’t want to.

Of course I don’t want to.

It’s none of his business

and I am not a cause.

but I nod.

 

_Okay. Thursday._

 

He gives a rare smile.

_Good. See you then._

 

_It’s a date._

 

 

 

Day Twelve

 

I’m not allowed to have friends over.

Not while my dad’s gone.

 

 _It’s just not going to work,_ my mom says.

_Who will watch the little ones?_

 

 _How about you for a change?_ I want to say, but don’t.

She’s right.

She can’t do it-she’s too drunk.

And she doesn’t know them, anyway-

how Charisse needs to be alone after school.

how Emilie only eats sandwiches without crust.

how Mikel likes to race people home.

how Claire has rehearsal and won’t be home until after supper.

 

They can’t watch themselves, either

Claire will be gone

Charisse, in a funk.

Mikel and Emilie are too young.

 

I won’t make Grantaire help me

won’t let him see me like that.

Playing daddy

to kids who deserve better.

 

I call Combeferre

because he’ll know what to do.

And he does.

Slowly

softly

he says

_Courf and I will do it._

 

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before  
but I’m glad he did.

_Will you? Thank you. Thank you so much!_

I can hear his smile.

_Of course._

_I know how much this means to you._

_Goodnight._

 

He hangs up

before I can ask him

what _that_ means.

  
  
  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Day Thirteen

 

Enjolras is rich.

He lives in a big house

in a fancy subdivision.

 

Neighbor kids ride around on bikes.

Fathers mow lawns.

Mothers talk amongst themselves-

the same conversation every day

_Oh, your son is so tall!_

_Isn’t she beautiful?_

_Your petunias really are gorgeous!_

It’s nothing like where I live

where you are privileged

if you have two parents.

 

We walk inside

up to his room.

It is eerily quiet-

no voices

no music

nothing.

He sits down on his bed

and I take his desk chair.

 

 _So_ , he says

clearly uncomfortable.

 

_How do you plan to help me?_

I ask

flippantly,

but he turns it on me

and demands

_What do you need?_

 

What do I need?

I need a safe place.

I need to be told I’m worth something.

I need life to get better, somewhere

because right now, everything is hell.

 

He’s staring at me

and I don’t know why

until I realize

I just said all that out loud.

 

 _No-Apollo_ I backtrack

_Shit-I didn’t mean-_

then

he

kisses

me.

  
  


Day Fourteen

 

It’s strained, the next day.

How do you talk with someone

after kissing them for hours?

 

I didn’t even know how much I liked him

until he spilled his heart out to me

and I realized

how much I love the curl of his hair

and his turquoise eyes

and his jawline

and cheekbones.

His voice, when it gets soft.

His arms, so strong.

and by god, when he’s not obnoxious

he’s the most beautiful man in the world.

 

So I kissed him

and he kissed back.

I didn’t know it could be like that

lips on lips

lips on neck

lips on jaw

tongues on tongues

faces touching

everything touching

one boy on top of the other

until he toys with the hem of my shirt

and quietly

I say _stop._

He understands

says he’s gotten more than enough

kisses my forehead

and leaves.

 

Today

I come up to him

and say _Hey_

I’m nervous

which is new for me.

He says _Hey what?_

as if

nothing

has changed.

 

Flustered, I can’t breathe.

All I say is _You can come over again._

_If you want._

 

His face changes

and I don’t know if he’s angry or upset.

_Is this a fucking joke?_

 

I don’t know what to do

All I say is

_No. I want you to...I want us...I…_

I am utterly embarrassed

and then I make it worse

saying

_Can we be boyfriends?_

 

He laughs.

a long laugh

a nice laugh.

_I think so._

_Are you sure you want to be my boyfriend?_

 

I nod

and all of a sudden

he is mine.


	16. Chapter 16

Day Fifteen

 

We are dating.

He walks down the hall

with his arm around my waist.

 

I tell him _you don’t have to do that_

but he gets a look on his face-

his determined look-

and says

_That’s what people do when they date._

_I’ve seen it._

And I can’t help but laugh

he’s so damn cute

with his ideals

and his stupid hair

that I kiss

when we’re alone.

 

He does not like PDA.

Cannot stand it

but when it’s just us

he can kiss like mad.

 

We find time to be together almost every day.

After school

or after his meetings.

I’ve started going now

going more, anyway.

It’s hard to listen to him talk.

one, because I just want to look.

two, because I secretly know he’s wrong.

 

There is no point in trying to change the world.

We are just teenagers

with stupid ideas.

 

I don’t say that though.

 

Combeferre and Courfeyrac smile at me

but I can tell they don’t approve

wish I was different

better for their best friend.

 

 _Screw them_ , Enjolras says

as he kisses me.

_I want you._

_I chose you._

_That should be enough for them._

Should be should be should be

I hope that’s enough.

 

 

Day Sixteen

 

I don’t think of it as ‘making out’

as Courfeyrac puts it.

That’s not what we’re doing.

It’s just kissing.

with passion.

 

_You put passion into everything you do_

Grantaire tells me

with a quick peck on my cheek.

_including me._

_I like that._

I smile back at him.

To tell the truth, I’m a little scared of him-

just of what he expects of me.

 

This is not his first relationship

like it is mine.

But he is sweet

and gentle

and never asks for too much

When I say _stop_

we stop.

 

He loves me

and he’s told me so.

Dozens of times

but I’m not ready yet.

He says that’s okay

he doesn’t expect me to

I’m perfect.

 

I don’t feel perfect

especially not for him.

But I will be.


	17. Chapter 17

Day Seventeen

 

We were only at his house-

making out, of course.

His siblings were home

and one of the girls

Charisse, I think

walks past his room.

 _God_ , she says.

_Doesn’t he have a house, Alexandre?_

He turns red.

_Shut up._

_Go to your room._

We don’t talk for a few minutes

before I break the silence.

_She has a point, you know._

_I should invite you over._

_You don’t have to_ he says.

_I know how it is._

_If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it._

_Does your dad even know you’re gay?_

I shake my head.

 _He doesn’t know anything_ about _me._

 

_Then don’t._

he says

like it’s simple

but it’s not.

 

Charisse has a point.

I haven’t been a good boyfriend.

 

Which is why I’m terrified

to invite him over

but I do.

I do.

 _You know you don’t have to,_ he tells me seriously.

_I know that, Apollo._

_But I want to._

_I want you to meet my sister._

_Come over._

I know he’s arguing with himself inside

but the good side,

my side

and he nods.

and says _okay._

Day Eighteen

 

Grantaire’s neighborhood

is not like I pictured.

People on the street stare at me

and my clothes.

This is not how they dress here

I know that.

 

I walk in uncertainly

I don’t know what to expect.

But there’s just his sister

eating an apple

and reading a textbook.

 

He talks to her

as I look around.

 

No rugs.

an old TV

worn out chairs

an empty pantry

but I can see some  beer

from behind the door.

 

 _Where’s your dad?_ I ask

trying not to sound nervous.

 

_Asleep._

_Don’t worry._

_He works the night shift._

_He won’t wake up._

 

This relaxes me

by the time we get to Grantaire’s room.

 

It’s gray

pure gray

with a lot of black and white posters.

There are so many sketchbooks

and pencils

and paintbrushes

and I realize how much I want to know him better.

 

So I kiss him.

We kiss for a long time

a very long time.

We don’t notice the time pass

All I notice

is his lips

his hands

his everything.

 

Not footsteps.

Not an opening door

What we do notice

is the yelling

 

_MY SON IS NOT A QUEER!_

_GET OFF OF HIM!_

_GET OFF!_

and then

what I can’t put here

but leaves Grantaire crying

and crying

as I tiptoe out the door

and leave.


	18. Chapter 18

Day Nineteen

 

I thought he’d call

last night

after everything

but he didn’t.

No calls

no texts.

 

Today

he seems scared

like I might break

if he touches me,

like anything he says

will send me over the edge.

 

The truth is

I’m embarrassed

at what he saw.

 

He probably thinks I’m a waste of time.

a lost cause

too fucked-up to function

that’s me.

 

I knew I shouldn’t have invited him over.

I just so wanted to be good for him.

God knows he already looks down on me

Poor Grantaire

incapable of it all.

 

He watched him hit me.

He saw it.

I don’t know

when he left.

I couldn’t watch.

 

All of a sudden

I looked up

through my tears

and he was gone.

and I wonder

how much longer

until that happens again-

and he’s gone for good.

~

Day Twenty

 

We don’t talk about it.

He can’t, I know.

That’s okay.

He doesn’t need to say anything.

 

It was scary-

terrifying, in fact.

I’ve never seen him cry.

Never seen him sad at all, in fact.

He was pleading

begging

for it to stop.

 

I know he’s embarrassed

so I don’t bring it up.

Not until today

when we’re awkwardly talking

and all of a sudden

he shouts

_SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT!_

 

I don’t know what to do

I bite my lip

and say _Are you okay?_

 

To my horror

he bursts into tears,

and nods.

_I’m sorry_

he says

wiping his eyes.

 

_I just_

_I can’t_

_I_

I kiss him.

_It’s okay._

_I’m here._

He smiles weakly.

_Yeah. Thanks._

I want to do more

but I can’t

so I just hold him.

_Tell me when you can_

I say quietly.

_Let me be your safe place._

I think I’ve said something wrong

because of how he jerks back

but then I see the hope in his eyes

and the way his voice lights up

(thought he tries to hide it)

when he says

_You really mean that?_

_Of course_

I say

taken aback

and when he embraces me

I swear I’ve found heaven.


	19. Chapter 19

And the days pass.

We turned in the assignment

and got an A

(my first ever).

 

We kiss

and laugh

We spend time together

and some apart

We smile

and

we

 

I’ve never been this happy

so excited to wake up each morning.

He’s been my world for so long

and now I’m his.

 

I’m still writing

and I know he is, too.

It’s good for me to get it out

and him, too, I guess.

 

It’s getting to be springtime

and all anyone talks about

is senior prom.

who’s going

who’s taking who

where it will be

who’ll be king and queen.

 

Of course I want to go

I want the world to see us as a couple,

hands on each other’s  waists

kissing hair

whispering in ears

boutonnieres in place

slow dancing so close.

 

But he hates prom

so we will not be attending

and that’s okay,

I think.

He’s mine and I know it

and that’s enough.

~

Last night was a bad night for him.

I don’t know the details

but all I need to see is the bruise on his cheek.

He tripped on the stairs, he said.

 

Only Eponine and I know

he lives in a one-story house.

 

But I won’t make him talk

even though I want to.

He’ll tell me when he’s ready.

if he’s ever ready.

That’s what I tell myself all day.

 

But

he and I are talking

at my house

his head in my lap.

He tells about his parents’ divorce.

how his mom

had so many secrets

and no one to trust

_But she could have told me_

he says

_I hate when people keep things from me._

I can feel my shoulders tense.

_Yeah. Me too._

_I feel like I can’t be trusted_

_Even though I can._

_You know that, don’t you?_

He looks up at me

_Of course, Apollo._

_I’d trust you with anything._

 

I know not to say it

but I do anyway.

_Evidently not._

This is when he jerks up.

_What do you mean?!_

I finger his cheek lightly.

_Nothing._

_Is your cheek feeling better?_

_You know_

_From that fall?_

He turns red

angry red.

_Shut the fuck up._

 

I can’t stop now, though.

_You promised to tell me the truth!_

He stands up now

_I’m sorry_

_that there are things extremely hard for me to say_

_especially to you!_

_I’m trying really hard_

_but this isn’t easy!_

My lip curls

_Let me make it easier_

I say

_You don’t even have to try anymore._

_I can’t be in a relationship_

_where there’s no trust._

_Why don’t you go?_

He does.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

my

light

is

gone

 

~

It’s been three weeks

since we broke up

if you can call it that.

 

We don’t talk

He turns his head

angrily

when he sees me in the hall

so he doesn’t have to look.

 

I’m fine

is what I always say

when my friends ask.

I’m fine

except for the part of me

that misses him  terribly.

 

But that’s what happens.

People leave

and you miss them

and pretend not to.

I have other things to worry about-

getting into a good college

my brother and sisters

changing the world.

 

Not a poet

with turquoise eyes  
whose kisses are bliss  
whose arms are paradise

who hates me now

and has every reason to.

 

_Are you okay, Enjolras?_

_I’m fine._


	21. Chapter 21

empty words empty lines empty soul empty eyes empty hearty empty boy empty life empty empty empty

 

i can’t i can’t breathe i can’t look i can’t talk i can’t do it.

 

i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so sorry i’m sorry please listen please please take me back i’ll never do it again please i’m sorry i’m so sorry i’m sorry.

 

gone gone gone my light is gone he’s gone he’s not coming back gone gone my love is gone.

 

and

he

took

so

much

of

me

with

 

~

I guess I expected him

to talk to me by now

but he hasn’t.

 

He looked at me once

but only for a second.

 

He seemed so small

so lost

but it’s better this way anyway.

 

I was not meant to have a boyfriend

that’s not what works for me.

I was meant to change the world

and so I will.

 

That is what I must do

That is what I am meant for.

Grantaire will get over it

(and so will I).

 

It’s better this way.


	22. Chapter 22

It is Eponine

who lifts me from the pit of darkness.

 

She comes over on Sunday

pulls my blanket nest away

and puts her hands on her hips.

 

I cover my face

_‘Ponine, no._

_I don’t want-_

but she cuts me off.

 

_You’re going to move on._

_You’re going to make him eat his heart out._

_Understand?_

I sit up

_Eponine, I love him._

_I can’t just ‘move on’._

She puts her hand on my shoulder.

_Can you try?_

_For me?_

_For yourself?_

Something makes me nod.

and I get up

and get in her car.

 

We drive out of town

miles away

to a cool club

two hours from home.

It’s just for kids like us

messed up kids

who need a home.

 

We dance

take shots

make out with strangers

and I try to forget.

 

At the end of the night

my hair is the messiest it has ever been

I am incredibly drunk

and covered in glitter

but I have a smile

for the first time

in weeks.

 

~

For the first time

in weeks

he laughs a real laugh.

 

Of course

I can hear it

across the hallway.

 

He’s talking to Eponine

something about their weekend

I try not to listen.

 

and why am I noticing now

how handsome he is

when he throws his head back

or when he wears skinny jeans

or how his eyes

get more turquoise

when he talks about the things he loves.

 

his jawline

so damn chiseled.

his lips

so full

his chest

where my head fits.

 

he loves so much

despite what he’s been through

despite how he acts

he loves everyone

and the more I think

the more I realize

 

I

think

I’ve

made

a

terrible

 

But when

I see

a mistake,

I fix it.

 

No

matter

what


	23. Chapter 23

It’s a normal day

i wake up late

leave for the gym

where i shower

so my father doesn’t get pissed.

 

At 7:30

i depart for school

talk with ‘Ponine and Jehan

and leave for first hour.

 

There’s a rose on my seat

but i brush it off.

The girl next to me has her birthday today.

It’s probably for her.

 

She’s in my next class, too

so i ignore that rose, as well.

 

but in anatomy

there’s still a rose on my chair.

and it’s dawning on me

that it could be for me.

 

i have a thought

but brush it away

don’t let myself think it.

 

the roses follow me

up until the last class-

prose ii

 

where Enjolras stands

holding a rose.

 

when i freeze

and look at him.

he says

in a small voice

_prom?_

when i still can’t move

he adds

_i am so sorry_

_i made the hugest mistake._

_i never should have let you go._

_I love you._

and i kiss him

full of happy tears.

_of course_

_of course._

_~_

He is an extremely good dancer

though I don’t know why I’m surprised.

 

When he picked me up

in that gray tuxedo

I got lightheaded.

just like I’ve been all night

when he grinds up against me

and I know he’s hard

or when he kissed me for the picture

so tender.

or when he pinned on my boutonniere

and grinned at me.

That’s when I knew

I made the right choice

being with him.

 

We still fight

of course we fight.

But we do it holding hands

to remind us

to keep loving.

 

Our friends all tease me

for being in love.

I’ve fallen at last

they say.

 

And it’s true

I love him.

 

It may be foolish

how relaxed I am with him.

 

but you know

 

maybe we all need someone like that.

Someone you don’t have to be grand around

someone who will simply take you.

 

He takes me

and I’ll take him

 

no matter how distant he gets

no matter his drinking

no matter how much we fight

no matter what.

 

After all

he’s given me so much

taught me how to laugh

taught me how to love

all the things I never knew.

 

He is everything I’m not

and at the same time

all I need.

 


End file.
